I think 2021 is trying to teach me something that 2020 didn’t quite get to sink in.
2020 was a long, emotionally tumultuous year, culminating in the jury trial for my parents wrongful deaths. The preparation for and execution of this trial produced an enormous amount of stress on me and ultimately resulted in my abandonment of my marathon training and the temporary “forgetting” of my personal goals.
September arrived and I found myself undertrained and unprepared to execute at the level required for my Boston Qualifier. I deferred from my goal race and entered a much smaller, local race instead with the intent to simply go the distance and finish the race in under the 5-hour time limit. Little did I know that this would actually come to be my proudest moment of 2020 – to actually physically run the only live, in person, marathon event in the state of Pennsylvania since the outbreak of Covid-19 and the subsequent pandemic restrictions.
October came – the anniversary of my parents deaths – and waves of grief again washed over me. But this time, I felt hope and the graceful hand of the healing process which I can only contribute to the completion of the trial and the closing of our case against the man whose name still produces a bitter taste upon my tongue.
November began and, for the first time in many years, I became physically sick. My husband and I both tested positive for Covid-19 and spent the entire month self-quarantined and taking care of each other as we struggled to recover.
December found us well, yet, residual symptoms continued for me in the form of exercise induced migraines and dizziness. The girl who once ran several marathons per year was now struggling to run a single mile.
January 1st, I experienced a breakthrough: I ran 5.50 miles (my longest run since September!) without a single symptom! My hopes for the 2021 racing season were instantly renewed!
January 2nd, I fell hard while snowboarding at Seven Springs and broke two ribs.
I have spent the past several weeks numbing my brain and my pain and, while I am healing well and expect to be able to return (gradually!) to my training, I must admit that my goals require a significant refocusing. It’s one thing to be a week behind in training; it’s a completely different story to be 6-8 weeks behind… this is a game changer.
That being said, I am certainly not giving up. I am always going to do my best… even with the realization that my best will (more than likely) not yet be good enough for the goal which I am striving to reach. I am not letting go of my goal… I am simply letting go of how I imagined this would all unfold.
The funny thing is, I am 💯 okay with it… and few things have ever felt this good. My mind and heart feel free.
There is great beauty in the “not knowing” – not knowing if or when or how something will happen – but knowing that if and when and how it happens will be worth the wait.