It never ceases to amaze me how you can be going about your life, believing you have all your shit together, and then something unexpected happens that stops you in your tracks. BOOM! – just like that, your thoughts and memories become crystal clear and, all of the sudden, you realize exactly what is most important. This moment; this LIFE.
Needless to say, I had a bit of a “near death experience” recently and it really got me thinking about all the time and energy I have simply been wasting ; stressing myself out about and chasing after things that never really even matter when you can finally look and see the bigger picture.
I have no interest in elaborating on the actual event itself because it doesn’t matter either, in and of itself – what matters is what I saw in that exact moment when time “slowed down” and I realized that THIS could be IT.
First and foremost, I was not scared. I was calm, almost peaceful. I wish I could say that I had no regrets… but the regrets that I had were not what you, I, or anyone who knows me would even expect!
I regretted all the times I crawled out of bed early to go get that long run, as my husband lay sleeping beside me.
I regretted all the invitations I declined and beers not drank with friends whom I love because I was “in training”.
I regretted letting myself feel “weak”, “slow”, and “not good enough” for Boston – as if Boston were the epitome of what a good human being should be.
I regretted putting off all the things I WANT to do, in order to force upon myself the things I believed I “should” be doing to achieve these goals – goals which no longer serve a greater purpose for me.
Running has been such a big part of my life; since I was a frustrated teenager, growing up in our religiously restricted world… all the way through my years as a Paramedic, striving to stay healthy and sane in a very unhealthy and insane world! But somewhere along the line this “healthy obsession” became an unhealthy hindrance.
It took me awhile to see it… but now it appears so clear. For so many years, I needed to run… but then I learned how to FLY! 🪂