“I’m not exactly sure what Life is trying to teach me, but I’m pretty sure it involves detatching myself from anything and everything that I cling too tightly to.”, I said to my counselor today as we discussed my most recent skydiving injuries. (A complicated arm/wrist fracture and compression fractures in my spine.)
“Transformation” is the word he left lingering in my mind as we parted ways at the end of today’s session. And he’s right – he’s seen me transform my life many times over. Beginning with my previous marriage – which ended in divorce but, ultimately, paved the way for a new, everlasting love to take root and bloom. Breaking free of a religion which never did sit well with my soul, enabling me to clear my mind of prejudice and indoctrination. Changing my profession after nearly two decades of fulltime work, allowing me the time and space necessary to heal from years of heartbreaking and traumatic experiences. As well as, hours upon hours spent over the past four years, counseling me through a very complicated grief process and subsequent existential crisis until I could finally begin to “see the sunlight” again.
Most recently, I have transformed my running from an unhealthy obsession back to a simple passion – with less attachment to the results, and more love for the actual movement itself. My finances, from paying out too much on lingering balances or spending on frivolous things, to paying off those balances and spending only on things I need or that benefit myself and/or my family with their experience. My job, by being more open and honest about my desire to escape “the grind” – working part time in order to live fulltime. And my home; decluttering every room, every closet, every drawer in our private space in order to discard useless or broken things and items which stir up negative emotions in me; donating or selling many others which no longer prove useful or add any value to our lives. It’s such a cleansing practice, the art of letting go.
In doing all of these things, I have opened up so much more time and space to see and do all of the things that matter the most to me – from spending more time with my husband, to reconnecting with old (& meeting some new!) friends, to exercising and running on a daily basis simply because it feels good and I enjoy it! Exploring this world we live in – from the small “mom & pop shoppe” businesses in our local communities, to planning much bigger travel adventures to look forward to.
It was during one of my more recent workouts (when I needed to modify, while the majority of other participants did not) that I came to this astounding conclusion:
“Love yourself for what you can do rather than hate yourself for what you can’t.”
Perhaps you don’t get why I call this “astounding”. It really is such a simple concept… and if you are someone who has done this all along, I applaud you – but it has taken all of my 42 years upon this Earth for me to realize this for myself.
Now, here I am, one week post surgery to repair the damage done to my body from crash landing my parachute in an otherwise perfect skydiving jump – completely unable to run, jump, or even walk much for any significant length of time… and you’d think I’d be distraught? The “old” me would have been riddled with anxiety and tension, shedding many tears for what would have been or could have been – but Dr. Michael is right – I’m different now. I’ve transformed.
So will I ever actually run the Boston Marathon as a qualified runner?
Will I continue my skydiving endeavors once my body has healed?
The answers are yet to be known, even to me.
I used to be so uncomfortable with ambiguity; but now I find it beautiful. 🦋