It seems to me, as another year quickly comes to a close, that we tend to spend a few moments looking back – reflecting on all the things that have occurred, all the people whose paths we’ve crossed, and all the memories that are beginning to fade with time.
Sometimes I find myself thinking back even further – upon all of the people that I have opened my heart up to through the years, all of the ones I’ve tried to pull closer, hoping they’ll somehow connect with me better if they feel my pulse and realize that we’re both human. But, for the most part, the eyes I’ve found myself staring into are lost – most often closed, or empty, or just… weird. Like they’re viewing a different world than mine and so the connection has been lost completely. A few have actually connected though, and I’ve come to call these few my friends. I’m not one to chase, however, and I do have a tendency to go my own way… but, yes – if our paths have ever crossed, I do remember you. Whether it was just a few moments here and there, or whether we spent an entire season of our lives together, I am not one who easily forgets. Even if we don’t talk anymore. Even if we’re no longer “friends”. Even if none of that makes any sense at all.
It feels better when it’s warm outside, when the sun is shining on my face and the wind is blowing through my hair, making everything seem so much lighter. When we forget all about this game that we’re playing in – this thing we call “Life”. Maybe it’s my upbringing or recent life events but, sometimes I feel like this might be the last night for all of us… like no one really wants to keep doing this. Not badly enough, anyway. Whatever “God” is up there must be bored out of his mind. We’re all idiots, down here. And sometimes I imagine “the big guy up there” deciding to just turn it all off, like a TV, sighing as he walks away shaking his head. What a shit show.
A good storyline, one that we find worth watching, most often involves some major transformation within the main character. We start by presenting him in a good light – so that we like him and we’re all on his side. Then he makes some big mistakes, which many of us can relate to, and which ultimately leads him to the point of no return. And this is when he needs to make a change, or learn something new and transform himself into a better human being. That’s when we follow this hero’s journey full circle, all the way back home.
But sometimes I imagine “the man up there” watching what we’re doing down here and just shaking his head because there is no hero – and the journey that each of us are on seems to not be going anywhere. There are seldom any real life transformations outside of the movies, and the majority of people act like privileged mother f*ckers, creating meaningless drama to fill the void in their otherwise empty lives. They shed a few tears, admit to a few triggers, and think that means they’re healing – but very few actually do the work to truly heal. They complain about working too much and not earning enough money – or they earn a lot of money, but then complain because it doesn’t make them happy.
We travel the world believing that we’ll be happy if we learn how to surf, or party with the stars in New York or L.A., or drink the expensive wine in France. We run ultramarathons to feel like we’re alive, climb mountains, or walk some “spiritual” road that was really just created by some marketing genius who saw a window of opportunity in the marketplace. “People are lost and need to be saved” – so he capitalized on it and started selling “spiritual retreats” in Sedona and “enlightening pilgrimages” to Nepal.
And what about me? I haven’t written a decent blog in over a week because I’m all healed up and recovered now? No – I’m still healing, I’m still recovering, and I’m still just as lost and in a hurry, living day to day, as you. But you know what? At least I can say that I love it. At least I can say that I’m happy, and I’m doing everything I can to better myself – my body, my soul, and my mind. I love my simple, yet sometimes chaotic, life because I created it. I dance in the kitchen with my dog as we cook our dinner. I no longer need to drink in order to relax or connect with someone, to process through my emotions, or even just to have a good time. I’ve self-inflicted so much unnecessary stress, pain, and angst upon myself in the past that, at one point, I had even begun executing my own “exit plan”. The Universe has a funny way of opening and closing doors upon us, however, and I have never been so grateful for that particular one having been slammed shut, right in my face. It has taken a long time for me to realize this. I didn’t get away completely unscathed, but now I see things in a different light. I have a renewed sense of appreciation for this life, and I certainly don’t want the god up there to turn us all off yet just because so many others are wasting their god given time or are running around in circles in his eyes.
I have no ulterior motive, no higher purpose calling my name. I have no further goal which I strive to achieve or any “bucket list item” I feel I need to experience before it all just goes away… well, actually, there is still ONE but, generally speaking, perhaps I’ve finally done it all? Maybe I’ve finally gotten everything I’ve ever asked for? Or maybe I just finally value the simplicity of life more than I desire to unravel the complexity of it all? I’m not really sure. But I am now so calm and safe, peaceful and stable, that I literally have to conjure up a reason to write.
Just “put the pen to the paper”, the experts say – but who are they to tell me what to do? I feel too much like a robot when I get stuck inside a routine. I am already the most disciplined person I have ever known. I do what I say I will do – not for you, but for me. It’s how I was raised. I don’t let myself down and I don’t need (or want) anyone else to hold me accountable for anything. I used to, for a while, back when I cared more about other people and the importance of their own endeavors than I cared about myself. But I refuse to do that anymore. It’s myself that I refuse to let down.
Anyway… those people that I’ve opened my heart up to – so many of them never felt it. My pulse. Or maybe they just refused to let it reach them? I pressed and pressed, and tried to pull them closer – but their eyes were empty, or their hearts were closed, or they were too busy staring into an abyss of their own somewhere else. Whatever. I don’t really know.
What I do know is this – there once was day, so many years ago now, that I took a chance and opened my heart up to a man. He locked his eyes on mine and pulled me closer. In that very moment, we both knew. I saw my future in his eyes. He saw his in mine. That is the day that my life truly began and, even though we’ve been together for nearly two decades now, and married for more than half of those years, our journey to the end of time is far from over. There is still so much more for us to experience, as our story continues to unfold.
Maybe life really was meant to be lived forever? Energetically speaking, of course. Physically speaking “all good things must come to an end” – but I, for one, am not ready for this experience to be over anytime soon. So let’s not screw this up so much that the god up there decides to turn us all off before the very moment when the credits begin to roll, ok?
Maybe that moment is the one will change everything? Or perhaps it will simply be the end of it all? Either way, I’m in no hurry to know just yet.